Hello,
I’ve no idea if anyone is still here. I’ve been
toying with the idea of resurrecting this blog for a little while and have
started and deleted a couple of posts because I just end up rambling so much
and I just don’t think anyone cares so here is another attempt.
I ended up quitting uni after my first year and
stopped caring about food and my weight and lived my life like normal person
for about 3 years. It took me a while to realise just how miserable uni had
made me but I am just so much happier now I’m working and just getting on with
my life. I think uni can end up being such a horrible environment because there’s
just this expectation that you ought to be having a really good time and I just
wasn’t but felt as though I was a failure in some way because of it. I’ve grown
in confidence so much since then and I really think just getting out there and
proving I could be a self-sufficient grown up was what I needed.
Anyway, I decided I was fine with being 50kg
and it was all fine and dandy until I went to get a repeat prescription for the
pill and the nurse weighed me. I was 53.4kg!
This was in June and it was my birthday week, so I decided I couldn’t
possibly start a diet then and by the end of that week I had managed to get to
54.3 which is the highest weight I think I have ever been! After that I started
a ‘sensible’ diet of 1500cals a day, which wasn’t something I had ever done
before, but it totally worked – and at my lowest I was 43.3kg, which was some
time last month.
I didn’t see it at the time, but I do think in
a way my ability to diet again was brought about by the crumbling of my
relationship which took place over the past 6 months or so. My calorie intakes
got less and less as things started to go wrong – and I always think that my
problems with eating can’t be brought on by sadness because I’m doing it on
purpose, but I suppose that doesn’t make sense. And we all are doing it on
purpose. Eating Disorders require such a lot of fucking effort they can hardly
be accidental!
Anyway, I finally split up with my boyfriend
about 2 ½ weeks ago. It was a very difficult thing to do but Mr Perfect
boyfriend who I had been with for 4 whole years turned out to have a lot of
rather dark secrets, including (but not limited to) a strange addiction to hoarding
very disturbing pornography, and also images of my close friends (but never me –
I’m probably too fat) for the same purpose, talking to women on sex chat rooms
and stealing alcohol that had been bought as gifts for various members of my
family, including myself and my dying grandmother (she is now dead).
I had an eating attack immediately after breaking
up with him – I do get that thing where when something really bad happens I
just feel sick and find the thought of stomaching anything revolting, only when
it happens to me I find that I can’t stomach anything EXCEPT appalling junk
food and so end up absolutely starving to death all day and then ordering 50
tonnes of pizza. Also alcohol happened.
I was miserable as anything for about 4 days
but have actually now reached a point where I’ve realised that I’m better off
without him. He keeps messaging me saying he’s going to kill himself and all
that shit but he maybe should have thought of that before he was a cunt. In my defence
here, and in defence of our relationship, I would like to say that I found all
this out in October, and tried my best to help him and support him through
counselling etc. but sadly he was unwilling to change, and having had a useless
addict for a father (and a grandfather for that matter) I wasn’t willing to go
through it again and again because 9/10 they’re never going to change because
they find it easier to label themselves as a useless fuck up and hide behind
self-loathing as an excuse.
Anyway – food! I went away with my mum to see
some family friends down in Cornwall for a long weekend this weekend just gone.
They live on a farm which they have converted into a chocolate factory and also
always have an impeccable cheese selection so I decided to have a bit of a last
hurrah and then try and get back on top of things when I got back. I had been
trying and failing to get back to the way I had been eating before the break up
once the crying phase was over, but I had been down to about 1,000 a day or
less and really I think I had only been able to achieve that because I had been
so miserable in my relationship so I’m trying to go back to the realistic ‘sensible’
dieting I had been managing back when I first started this diet and was happy. My
thinness and my happiness do not have to be at odds with each other!
I found an online calculator which tells you
how many calories you burn a day just by being alive (which I have now lost)
and it told me at my lowest weight that I needed 1380 to stay there, but that’s
without any exercise and I’ve been doing lots of walking lately so I’ve decided
to aim for 1,400. I’ve got a fab walking tracker app on my phone now called
Moves which tells you how many calories you’ve burnt that day by walking about
and I burnt 610 yesterday, although I did a
lot more walking than I normally would.
Actually I went on a date yesterday and ended
up staying at the guys house and having sex with him which is most unlike me. I
don’t really like him that much but the experience was quite liberating
considering I’ve only ever slept with one person before. It wasn’t very good
sex but that’s probably my fault. At one point he said to me, ‘you must know
you’re beautiful and interesting,’ and someone even called me beautiful on my
walk of shame which I think is a pretty good achievement. If only I could get
back in control of my eating everything would be wonderful!
Well anyway, I sadly don’t seem to have managed
my goal of not rambling on – but I suppose I did need to do some catching up –
even though there’s no one here.
My calorie total yesterday was 1297.
Many happy returns to all.
