plastic lights

accidentally eating some crumpets.

Going to Fabric in London tonight for a (sort of) mate's bday.

He has 46 bombs of MDMA apparently, and I have about half a gram anyway.

Should be a laugh but I really can't be arsed and I hate clubbing.

I'd rather wander about in a field and dance about in a big flowy dress and watch the sunset on drugs.

Sounds much more appealing than loads of sweaty cunts all packed in to a dark room with flashing artificial lights and awful dubstep playing.

Bah humbug.

things that go bump in the night

#1 me faffing about because I'm too hungry to sleep

#2 my flatmate having sex in the room next door to me.

...turns out I'm not the only one still in my flat haha.

I gave going to sleep a go for a good half hour but I'm just STARVING. I totalled 210cals today tho, which I am quite proud of although my fitness pal told me off about it. It tried to scare me as well by saying all that 'your body will go into starvation mode' bullshit that everybody always says. It doesn't make sense though because your body can't be double triple quadruple storing all the calories you eat if there aren't any calories to store. And anyway experience has proved it to be bullshit.

Sudden and unexpected late night rant over.

In order to stop myself from eating my own hand I'm drooling over some yummy veggy recipes online, I've decided I'm gonna cook dinner for my famalam on Easter Sunday, I'll probably eat it though, which is a shame.

Think I might stay up all night and colour co-ordinate my wardrobe like some sort of obsessive lunatic.

Even tho I am the messiest person ever ever ever I do strangely really enjoy sorting things. Like putting packs of cards in the right order.

Sweeping is good too, although not really related.

Well that was normal.

What's a flan?

sleep well skinny people xxx

I am the hungriest hippo.

The issue being, that I am a hippo.

617cals yesterday, which was a bit meh.

Should be just over 200 today if all goes to plan, had dairylea dunkers for brekky (health food right there) and having noodles for dindins.

It's sunny and I feel on top of my life.

Like, I can get everything done and then it will be summer and I will be thin.

Hurrrrrr

My brain's not really working as I've not fed it.

I'm at uni on my owny atm as it's technically the holidays but I've had to meet with a few of my tutors about work I've missed, but my uni best friend is coming back tonight so I will hopefully get to hang out with her as I've not seen her for ages.

She might be seeing her boyf tho.

KNICKERS TO HIM.

la la la la the sun is shining and I'm stuck in my room.

Keyboards are really weird.

Pop.

arrivederci.

xxx

fuck it.

I'm coming back.

I found this photo on my computer yesterday:

that was me at 46kg, bmi 18.5

I weigh 50.1kg atm.

Actually repulsive.

I need to get back on track, back on this blog and back to all you lovely people who have been so nice to me over the months.

So, I'm doing Skinny_el's April Challenge.

And I am going to get skinny again, so bugger you food!!

Watching 'The Model Agency' in bed all day for inspiration.

I have also downloaded 'my fitness pal' for iphone which is great for calorie counting, although it rather hilariously thinks I ought to be eating 1,200cals a day.

I think there is a website too which you can sign up to for free even if you don't have an iphone.

lovely jubbly.

I will leave my 46kg picture as the thinspo for today.

Au revoir!

xxx

die on stage

I apologise for my sudden and untimely blogger death.

at the moment I am eating, occasionally, although this is unlikely to last for long.

I should have given it up for lent really shouldn't I?

My point being, I now have tumblr, but like a normal person tumblr, and if anyone wants to follow me on there or even remembers who I am then feel free:

mybloodbeatsblack.tumblr.com

still love you all, even in my absence (it makes the heart grow fonder right?)

xxxx

Douse yourselves in dye

Bonjour, and thankyou, all of you, every time I come back on here after being useless and not commenting on anything and getting fat on my own I have such lovely inspiring comments from everyone. I don't know what's the matter with you all being so nice to me, but I appreciate it nonetheless.

Today is emergency valentines liquid fast day 3.

I've had a cup of pink nesquik and skimmed milk so far.

I'm not calorie counting my liquids tho.

I probably should but I think if I do I'll panic and then try and eat even less and then have a binge and I NEED to look good for my boyfriend on valentines day, even if he did think I looked good when I weighed about 400stone and looked like I needed to be deported to fat land to drown in a vat of grease.

Anyway, I've decided to dye my own hair today, I usually rope other people into doing it for me because I'm useless but there was no one to do it til Sunday and I just couldn't stand it anymore, it's soooo messy and faded I actually didn't even want to go out in public anymore, the website where I usually get it has been down hence how it got so bad.

Sadly I can't dye my own hair for shit and so far I've only managed to pre-lighten my underneath roots because I ran out of dye and found it quite overwhelming how much hair and how many roots I have, and I have also successfully bleached all the fingertips on my left hand. Which are now tingling ominously.

OH WELL.

Also I'm obviously in my underwear doing this in front of an enormous mirror, which isn't that much fun.

But pants.

I'm hungry and it feels nice.

Focus on the positives.

Hopefully I will be back to commenting as of today, but thanks for all your support durng my semi-absence.

HAVE SOME THINSPO:

lovely.

Happy Friday!!!

lots and lots of love

xxxxx

edit: I've just realised that people in the real world call it strawberry nesquik as they are not me when I was 3 years old (actually I called it 'pink milk' then and refused to eat anything except for mashed banana and heated bottles of nesquik, I don't even like bananas so I don't know what that was about)

tins.

5 day emergency valentines day liquid fast.

Don't know what I weigh.

Possibly even in the 47s now.

Kill me.

.

I am so off the rails that I am drinking full fat coke.

I don't even like full fat coke.

I have probably had about 7 billion pizzas in the past 3 days.

Help me.

sorry I'm useless.

I've been really busy and also really drunk aha so hence no posts/comments/general crapness recently.

@skeleton strong I am literally in love with you for those links and the recipe!

Thankyou so much!

In other news, I managed to be 44.9kg on Wednesday morning, before I went shopping with my best Uni friend.

After shopping we did our traditional carrying on drinking our way through the wetherspoons menu, and then drunkenly decided to go and get some impulse piercings. She got her rook done and I got my belly button, which I had been meaning to get as a reward for reaching 44kg, but my drunk self obviously felt 45 was also reward worthy.

2 days down the line and I'm somehow back at 45.5 again?!

I've not been amazing but I've not been dreadful either, around 600cals a day?

So I'm fasting today now to try and get back under 45.

And then liquids only tomorrow?

I really would like to be 44ish by valentines day but I think that might be a tad unrealistic.

hmph.

OK, got to shower and get ready to go out, I will try and catch up with everybody's blogs soon.

lovelove xxxx

Oh how she rocks, in keds and tube socks.

thinspo post #9

sorry I'm not on here much atm.

xxx

Here comes another panic attack

Last night, actually, was a massive disaster.

It's going to sound really stupid trying to explain this whilst sounding sane tho.

And I need to make up some fun initially pseudonyms for people first:

JW = my best friend at uni

SS & FM = other uni friends who are also JW's flatmates, it was FMs birthday yesterday too.

AH = one of the boys who is also from their flat.

OK, so we started off the night all playing ring of fire up in JW etc's flat with everyone who lives there and all the usuals that we go out with, but about ten minutes before we were due to leave JW disappeared off to her room and didn't come back. I thought she might just be in the loo or something but as everyone started leaving it got obvious that she wasn't coming, as she'd been moaning that she hated the bop, so I went to persuade her to come.

No one else bothered to wait for me but SS called JW whilst I was in her room and was like, hurry the fuck up and JW was like, wait for Zaz.

The Bop is in a hall on the other campus which is like a 10min walk down the main road and so I set off to try catch up with the others, I called SS and she said they were at the cash machines, but halfway to our gate I realised I'd forgotten my coat and I had to call JW to let me back in to her flat and get it. At this point I called SS again and told her I'd forgotten my coat, and she very drunkenly said to hurry up and they'd meet me in the queue. I got a teensy bit up the main road and I saw AH coming back towards the flats, he was all, 'did you see any backy when you went back for your coat?' and I was like, 'you've come all the way back just for backy?' and he was like 'yeah.' And then I was like, 'well can I come with you cos I don't wanna walk on my own?' and he went 'yeah sure' then just ran off back to the flats without me, which I quite obviously could't do as well in my enormous shoes.

I figured I'd wait for him to come back passed then walk with him but I was there for ages and I started to feel like a tit so I started walking and after a bit I heard AH come up behind me, obviously on the phone to the other lads saying, 'yeah I'll be 5 minutes I'm on my way now!' then he just looked at me, went, 'hey babe' and ran off again! By this point it was like midnight and I wasn't even sure if they were still letting people in. I tried calling SS and FM but I couldn't get hold of them and I didn't want to just turn up and not be able to find anyone. I thought they might call me back so I sat on a grass verge and decided to give it 5 minutes but they didn't and my knees were muddy so I cried for a bit and then went back to my flat.

I know this sounds deeply over dramatic, but I could have died on the way for all they know. Like the last person to see me was AH when I was quite obviously walking there. Is nobody even remotely concerned?

Anyway, one of my best friends from home is coming down today and we're staying in and making cocktails, SS and FM said they wanted to come and I'm still going to invite them down, although I doubt they actually want to.

Oh and also, don't try and eat beansprouts on their own. It's disgusting.

Oh dear that was very long.

Thinspo:

love love xxx

Bop bop bop, bop to the top.

I'm currently getting ready with a bottle of this for company:

I didn't get up until 4pm today because, what's the point? And also I was having a nice dream in which I was best friends with Ashton Kutcher. Eventually I decided I'd better get off my arse and go to Asda if I wanted to start this diet today, and I hopped on the scales before I went and I'm 45.5kg!!

I swear my scales must be broken or something.

I feel the fattest I've ever felt yet apparently I'm the thinnest.

It's bizzare.

Ohhh, 'Holiday' by Dizzee Rascal just came on.

SUMMER WHERE ARE YOU?

Anyway, every Friday all my best uni friend's flatmates go to the night on Campus called 'the Bop' (hence the dreadfully lame High School Musical inspired title of this post). It's basically a school disco with a bar and it's really crap but they always moan that we should come at pre-drinks before we bugger off to real clubs. Last time we went with them was a disaster (the night my friend couldn't put her tights on and licked the computer if you remember) but we're going again tonight, and hopefully it won't be too disastrous.

We're gonna get very drunk in any case because my friend passed her driving test this morning, lucky cow.

Happy Friday Night everyone!!

thinspo:

love xxx

I'm sick of all the same old shit

Sorry I've not posted in a while.

I've been to Birmingham and things, but have mostly been sitting about in my room at home watching movies and drinking wine with the boyf,

and in my room down here at uni watching crappy TV, listening to Pulp's 'This is Hardcore' album over and over again, drinking cider and taking speed on my own.

That actually sounds quite interesting, but guess what?

It isn't.

I am bored shitless.

Weight-wise, I am stuck fluctuating between 46.3 and 45.8, I keep having fuck it days and then fast days and it's a bit of a mess, but I've been watching 'will my crash diet kill me?' on 4OD today, and some man lost a stone in a week doing 'the restriction diet' so I'm going to do that.

I have to go shopping for it tomorrow. I basically can't eat anything except sweet potato, kiwis, pears, parsnips, carrots and beansprouts.

You are actually allowed fish and lamb as well, but like, I'm vegetarian obvz.

I need a good old fashioned house party with some good old fas

hioned pills and vodka.

I need some glitter and a squat.

Bought myself a new Paul's Boutique bag today as well as I'm nice and loaded:

I had a £60 one that I bought when I was bunking college like 2 years ago but I pretty much tore it to pieces drinking on the hill, hopefully this one will live.

It certainly will if my life carries on being this boring.

I guess I've been binging so much cos I'm not even really looking forward to anything, so there's nothing to be thin for.

Reading festival I suppose, but that's not until the end of August and I've got to somehow sort all my uni shit out before then.

Bollocks.

No thinspo because I feel fat.

Will probs do a whole post of in a few days tho.

Hope your lives are more exciting than mine atm.

xxx

cough cough cough

I'm so ill :(

Yesterday my cal limit was 500, and I had 502.

I spent most of my day in bed in the dark drifting in and out of sleep and coughing fits.

And crying fits.

My throat felt like sandpaper, my boyfriend was at work where his ex had showed up and my best uni friend was at her boyfriend's and I just felt so miserable and lonely.

But thankfully another of my friends from said best friends flat text me at about 7 and asked me if I wanted to go and watch a movie with her and the other girls in that flat, who I go out with sometimes and are really nice. So in the end I had a really nice night in with them watching 'The Butterfly Effect' and 'Hide and Seek'.

I do have a confession to make though.

My throat was KILLING me and my friends kept telling me I should have some ice cream.

And in the end me and my friend both really wanted some so we walked to the main building in our pyjamas to get to the Ben and Jerry's machine, and we had to get security to let us into the room it's in because it was locked just to get it. But do you know what? It was fucking delicious (caramel chew chew if you were wondering) AND it made my throat feel better (if only temporarily) AND I weighed myself this morning even though I'm not supposed to and I was dead on 46, so ice cream can suck my cock. I WIN BEN AND JERRY'S

It's a fast day today, which I am sort of pleased about. I like a good fast every now and then.

I wonder how many calories there are in cough syrup?

love you all xxx

There's nothing you can do but let time tick

ABC day 8

limit: 400cals

3 rice cakes w/low fat cream cheese 123cals

Packet of pom bears 97cals

Small raspberry yoghurt 56cals

Weight Watchers vegetable soup 92cals

368cals

Weighed myself this morning: 46.3kg. How boring. I'm so bored of floating around 46kg. Although it could have been worse as I was expecting to see more damage from my mad scoffing of pizzas in the last few days of the holidays and from the peanut butter incident that took place after I posted on Monday night. (That's fairly self explanatory right?)

Anyway, I was within my cal limit yesterday fine, so I'm still doing OK on ABC except for the peanut butter, so I'm hoping that if I can get through another week without incident I should be below 46 next Wednesday? Here's where I fuck it up and spend the rest of my life yo-yoing between 46and 47. No. Stop being so negative. I won't let everybody down, especially myself. ABC is a piece of piss and I can be under 46.

Tonight is the dreaded Frankie and Benny's night, and I have the best excuse not to go! I am genuinely horribly horribly ill. My throat started hurting on the way back up here and by the time I went to bed I had a horrible shivery fever and then woke up boiling to death in a horrible sweat. I've also got a dreadful headache and a cough that really hurts. Talking of which, I've just spilt cough mixture everywhere, clever me.

Well now that I have got out of tonight I am faced with my next dilemma, on Monday I am supposed to be going up to Birmingham visit one of my friends at her university and go out for her birthday, only thing is, guess where we're going first? Frankie and bloody Benny's. What is peoples bloody obsession with Frankie and fucking Benny's? Anyway, I might not have to face this dilemma anymore as the girl who was meant to be driving a load of us up's boyfriend's grandad died today and the funeral might be on Monday so she'll have to go to that instead of driving us up. Will keep you posted.

Thats all then, hot date with lemsip and 4od awaits.

Even my boyfriend is too busy to come look after me :'(

love you xxx

All men should remember to hold their girls tightly

ABC day 6

limit: 200cals

3 egg whites 51cals

1/4 packet of flying saucer sweets 18cals

Smalltin of alphabet spaghetti 117cals

186cals

Just quickly sneaking on here while my boyf goes for a cigarette, it's too cold outside for me to be arsed to go with him.

We went to the cinema tonight to see 'The King's Speech' and now we're drinking a bottle of wine before going to bed (:

I feel happy. Although I am PMSing and craving chocolate/ ice cream/ all things sweet terribly.

I don't really like sweet foods except for 1 week a month.

lots of larve xxx

I'd like to thank my mum, my dad, my cat and my imaginary budgie

ABC day 5

limit: 100cals

low cal instant noodles 94cals

94cals

I gots me an award (:

Given to me by the wonderful lovely lovely wonderful Harley.

Who I would like to thank lots because it made me very happy to see she had chosen me (:

So the rules of the award apparently are that I must post 10 facts about myself, and then pass on the award to 5 of my favourite people, which I'll be honest, I'm quite nervous about because I'm a socially awkward tard and I'm worried people will think it's odd of me to give them it because we don't talk enough or something, but lets see if I can come up with some facts first shall we?

#ONE

I once had a dream that I met Harley in real life and we went to a noodle bar and then didn't eat anything. When I woke up I thought, why didn't we just go somewhere else? I was going to comment and tell her this but I felt a bit lame. But I've told everyone now in a mad act of rebellion.

#TWO

People expect me to be really confident and outgoing because of my appearance, when in fact I have terrible social anxiety and am incredibly shy

#THREE

I fell in love with the band I went to see last night. My mum's friend is the keyboardist and the friend's husband is the singer. They're called The Cesarians and you should seriously myspace that shiz up.

#FOUR

My hair has been almost every conceivable colour, but it's never been brown or black.

#FIVE

My biggest fears are maggots, the dark and various apocalyptic disasters, mostly the huge volcano that is Yellowstone Park erupting.

I am also terrified of broken glass because I fell on a broken bottle when I was really really high when I was 14 and although I actually hardly hurt myself I was so afraid there were tiny bits of glass all over me and all over everything until I came down.

#SIX

When I was at school my friends and I found a disused cupboard in the music area that seated 2 people just about comfortably and we spent most of year 11 in there missing lessons and making up ridiculous 'what would you do if...' scenarios. Once we squished 3 of us in there, which wasn't very comfortable. Another time I came into school high and, realising I was too fucked to go to Maths I headed for the cupboard alone, where I hallucinated that I could see swirling black patterns on the back of the doors.

#SEVEN

I have self harmed since I was 12 and I'm not at all ashamed of it. People think this sounds awful but I have never understood why on earth I shouldn't. I don't hide it from anyone except my mother, although in all honesty I think she knows and has decided that if I can deal with it so can she. That said, I don't ever purposely show it off either. It is mostly on my thigh and I will never mention it unless questioned.

#EIGHT

I have smoked since I was 13, and I had my first cigarette in a bush at a Krayfish Party.

#NINE

I drink far too much.

The record amount that I ever drunk, or can remember drinking at least, was at a family friend's party in Somerset when I was 13.

I had a big bottle of red square (an alcopop), half a pint of vodka, 2 beers, a whole bottle of red wine and a whole bottle of white wine.

Eventually I passed out under a tree, came round, vomited on my shoe and then proceeded to sing Oasis songs on Karaoke sitting on a hay bail, crying for no conceivable reason.

#TEN

I have just made myself sound like the biggest delinquent in the universe ever.

As I am such a delinquent, I am only going to pass on the award to 3 people because I am scared to give it to anyone else.

My first choice actually I think would be Harley, but as I can't give it back...

First of all I would like to give it to Sofia because I think she is sweet and lovely.

Secondly I want to give it to BindyBones becuase basically, I think she's cool and I want to be her friend. (That sounds really lame and like I am five but IT'S FACT)

and Number 3 is for Kels AKA Lilah Lee for being gorgeous in general.

Sorry I'm too rubbish to give it to five people, and I'm sorry if you didn't get it, it's not because I don't like you, it's just because I'm a nervous wreck.

I love you allllll xxxx

You are red, violent red

Thinspo post #8

There's a star man waiting in the sky

ABC day 4

limit: 400cals

2 egg whites 34cals

small raspberry yoghurt 56cals

2 rice cakes with low fat cream cheese 82cals

tomato and lentil soup 240cals

412cals

I was slightly over because I thought the soup was 220cals rather than 240 but life goes on.

@skittles, Oceana is a chain of nightclubs here in the UK.

And thankyou everyone who follows me!

I can't beleive 58 whole people are interested in my rubbish life.

OK last night was just a bit meh really. Standard drinking and dancing followed by boredom, sore feet and an impatience to leave. But what I really want to talk to about is something a bit heavy, don't know why I didn't post this when I heard about it, but I've not said much about any of my back story on here and I suppose I was a bit reluctant to change that?

Basically, a few nights ago I got a drunken phone call from my mum, who had been at the funeral of an old friend of hers, asking which pubs were still open in my home town at midnight, I could hear the noise of all her old punk mates being generally raucous in the background so I guessed she'd met up with all her old crowd at the funeral and she told me that she had met up with my Dad's old best friend Pinner.

OK here's where some back story needs to happen, basically, my parents divorced when I was 2, my Dad died when I was 12, he was a heroin addict, and he'd been living at my grandparents house and trying to get clean for a month or so. The day he went back to his own flat, my Grandma (his mum) was trying to call him, but she couldn't get an answer, so she worried and went round there in the morning. He didn't answer the door so she called the police who broke down the door and found him dead on the sofa. My Grandma doesn't really talk about it much but my mum and I had always assumed that he had given up on getting clean and gone home and had his usual dose, which had been too much for his system as he hadn't been using and it had killed him.

But my mum told me very vaguely on the phone that Pinner (also a junkie) had told her some stuff about how he'd died and that he hadn't been alone or something? And he wants to take us out for dinner to tell me about it? I feel a bit weird about it all and I'm not sure I really want to know, actually. I don't really want to have to have emotions in public either, especially not in front of my mother. I don't know I just feel a bit wibbly I suppose. It might just fall off and never get mentioned again though. Is that what I want?

On a lighter but still rather pressing note, my flat rep is organising a trip to Frankie and Benny's on Wednesday as we need to 'do more as a flat' apparently. I would actually like to go as it might stop me being so pathologically afraid of most of my flatmates, but how in the name of arse am I going to go to a restaurant with out eating anything? What will I say? 'Oh sorry guys, I know we've gone out for a meal but I'm just going to stare at the rest of you eating in an envious sort of a way so that I don't ruin my ABC diet, which by the way stands for Anorexia Boot Camp.' That will end well won't it? Any advice greatly appreciated on this subject.

Sorry for the long long long long post.

If you have read this far I award you a gold star, a (sadly imaginary) calorie-less cookie and some thinspo:

&& now I'm off to a punk gig in Brixton with my mummy.

lovelovelove xxx

A thousand miles above our heads they are weaving giant currents around the sun

ABC day 3

limit: 300cals

2 rice cakes w/low fat cream cheese 82cals

packet of cheese and onion squares 97cals

low cal instant noodles 94cals

total: 273cals

Happy days.

Nothing interesting to say, but lots of uninteresting nonsense to say instead...

Firstly, I left my big pan and my sieve out over the holidays, and so our lovely cleaner took it upon herself to throw them away. Thanks cleaner. Still it could have been worse, my friend has had all of her cutlery except for one spoon thrown away. Anyway, I went to the shop to get a new pan and sieve and the man who worked there didn't know what a sieve was!

Secondly, I couldn't get any hot water last night and I couldn't get any today either. Apparently a few rooms are having this problem and I'm one of the lucky ones. Yippee! Gave up and just had a lovely lukewarm shower cos I really needed to deep condition my hair. I can't even go to reception about it until Monday now cos it's shut on weekends.

Thirdly, anyone seen this? I got quite upset about the whole thing as I saw somewhere they were going to make it official in 2012, and I really don't want to be a Gemini! (No offense Geminis, I've just grown fond of being a crab person and sharing a name with a deadly disease).

But then I saw this, so I'm guessing the UK is on that system too and is therefore unlikely to change? Still, gave me a nice little mid-afternoon identity crisis.

That's all for today.

Got to get ready to go to flipping Oceana. I don't know why I go there so often, it's just full of pervy guys and chavs. Oh wellz.

Thinspo:

&&love xxx

When your body's bored like a refugee from the houses burning

I'm on day 2 of ABC.

Yesterday the limit was 500, and I had 433.

Today is another 500 day and I've had 220 so far, and I'm having some mushroom pie thingy from M&S which is 260 so my total calories for today will be 480.

I'm feeling much happier now I'm back on a proper plan.

I was supposed to go and see 'The Kings Speech' at the cinema with my boyfriend last night, but I did the stupidest thing, I booked the tickets online, and to collect them you have to show the card you used to book them, but I forgot my purse so I spent like £20 on nothing! And we couldn't even buy more because it was sold out. And then we had to come all the way home again so I could get my ID before we could even go to the pub. I'm such a tit. Anyway, I was pissed off with myself so I got quite drunk in a pub in Putney, I didn't actually drink that much compared to how much I drink sometimes, but I threw up twice this morning. I go through phases of having pukey hangovers and then phases of having headachey hangovers. I'm not sure which are worse.

Also, my boyfriend always seems to think it will be 'a laugh' to get on my scales and weigh himself. He has lost weight. He is now 50.7kg, which makes his bmi 18.1!

Oh I could kill him, he's so wonderfully, gorgeously bony. It's just not fair!

I'm not weighing myself until Wednesday, but I'm probably about 47 or something. Ew.

Oh and I did some megamega shopping yesterday in the day with my friend. We went to Westfields. I had £115 in topshop vouchers so I went a bit mental in there and got loads of other lovely stuff too. And when we stopped for lunch she got a huge wrap and I sat there smugly drinking my diet coke. Happy days.

That was a bit long, sorry.

Thinspo:

love you all lots and lots. xxx