Some words to 'Fat Bastard'

This chap has been bothering a few of us I believe, so I would just like to make a few points here.

For a start I can't really see any of us becoming campaigners for the rights of the obese tbh so I'm not entirely sure what this man is hoping to acheive.

Secondly, I saw on his somewhat repulsive blog the statement, 'the more you eat the happier you are' which I think may be the most ridiculous thing I have ever read. There is nothing commendable about eating far more than your body can handle, aside from the health complications this can cause I can't see any 'enjoyable' effects that this has.

Feeling so full up that you feel sick and don't want to move and carrying on eating? Enjoyable? Admirable? I don't think so.

And then there's the long term consequences of this supposedly 'self indulgent' behaviour.

Paying for two seats on an aeroplane to squeeze your fat arse into, squashing people against the wall on the bus, not being able to find clothes to fit, and eventually the decline of your mobility, finally resulting in being bed ridden and losing the ability to go out, see the world, meet new people. Just your bed and your horrible murderous food.

Yeah totally worth it.

Thanks for the thinspo mate.

Will post properly later lovelies. xxx

Bah Humbug.

I fucking hate fucking Christmas.

Yesterday the flat next door borrowed our table as they were having a pretend Christmas, I went into the kitchen at about 1130 to put my wheat bag thing in the microwave (sort of like a hot water bottle) to help with hunger cramps and they had returned it with a note which said 'thanks for the table, have our leftover pudding!!' next to a huge chocolate gateaux topped with chocolate profiteroles and a plate of mini bite size cheesecakes.

I had 3 profiteroles and a mini cheesecake, and so then I had to purge, at least I got to taste the gorgeous pudding twice. That doesn't sound mental or anything =/

Today I went Christmas shopping with my friend.

It was so stressful.

We had to go to the pub afterwards to chill out.

Which means alcohol calories.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, why does alcohol have to be so fattening

Because the day I give up drinking will be the day I turn into a duck.

Anyway, I've not had much sleep as after purging I only slept for a little bit before waking up for no reason in the middle of the night, writing an anguished paragraph of essay and then going back to bed at 5am to be woken up by the fire alarm at 10.

I've 1382 words to do tonight and I can't stay awake.

I'm drinking a sugar free red bull but it's not helping.

Intake for today excluding the pub =

cereal bar 91cals

individual cheese and onion quiche 350cals

sugar free red bull 7.5cals

448.5cals

bye guys xxx

Another tired afternoon.

Hihihi,

So, the party last night, to cut a long story short the host got very drunk, and true to form did his genuinely terrifying 'rape impression', told us about how he likes to wank with a biro (so much wtf) and then decided to guess what everyone in the room's fetishes were. He guessed that I like having cat food poured on me.

What can I say?

I drunk a big bottle of smirn off ice and nothing else there, altho even that's like 400cals. Ew. And then I nearly passed out when I got in so I HAD to eat a cereal bar.

Regardless of all this, I bit the proverbial bullet this morning and weighed myself and I was 47.1kg, which I am actually really pleased with considering my horrendous recent behaviour, even if it is a gain from a week and a bit ago I don't really mind. I'm feeling much stronger and much more motivated at the moment and I'm confident I can lose that 1.1kg in the next 11 days and reach my Christmas goal of 46, as my final weigh in before Christmas will be the morning of the 23rd.

Also, yesterday I tried on my size 8 high waisted jeans from topshop with the 26inch waist even tho I had sworn not to until I was down to 46, and they fit! And not just like, I could manage to get them done up, they properly fit me, no bulging over the top or anything! Happy days.

Today has not been happy days tho, I have a 2500 word essay due on Tuesday afternoon, I started it today and have managed 946 so far. I think that's plenty for now because my brain hurts, I also cleaned my bathroom in my desperation to make an excuse to have a break from working. More slaving away tomorrow, but also major Xmas shopping, so I may be up all night. Still, I'm going to Winter Wonderland in Hyde Park with my boyfriend on Wednesday so I have that to look forward to (:

Intake for today:

3 rice cakes w/low fat cream cheese 123cals

ready salted french fries 83cals

KOKA noodles 143cals

Litre of sugarfree orangeade 10cals (this has pretty much been the only thing keeping me sane today)

total: 359cals

And that will be it because I'm not walking back from anywhere so I won't start passing out and have to have a cereal bar today, altho I have done some crunches.

That's all folks.

love to you all xxxx

PS. I lost a follower today :(

I know who it was as well, I was going to say something but perhaps she just hates me? I love her blog.

Sad times for my life.

That weirdo with 5 colours in her hair

Thinspo post #5

And when he lied it meant he loved me

Forgot to write about this yesterday, remember the guy my mum was dating who kicked her and let his son beat her up?

Yeah she's got back with him.

I spent about 40mins in the pub on Thursday night shouting at her about it.

Apparently he is going to phone me on Monday to 'explain himself'.

I am going to tear him to pieces, verbally.

I'm supposed to feel sorry for him or something because his son hit him over the head with a hammer and he needed 11 stitches.

I don't.

It serves him right.

Back to my own life,

I'm supposed to be going to this guy I know from home but who is at the same uni as me's party tonight in his flat down at the other campus.

All well and good but he has autism and for some reason always feels the need to take all his clothes off and do very mad dancing when he gets drunk.

He's a nice enough guy but I just don't think I can cope with him tonight, and I can't seem to persuade anyone sane to come with me.

I'll feel so guilty if I don't go but I might just pop in for an hour or so as I am super hungover.

I did technically stick to my four drinks rule last night, but one of the drinks happened to be an entire jug of cocktail. =/

Why can't alcohol just be calorie free?

Today I have eaten:

3 rice cakes with low fat cream cheese 123cals

and some weird foreign pasta in a mug thing I got from the corner shop at 150cals

which makes 273cals for the day.

I started obsessing over the size of my arms last night, the girl in front of me in the queue for the cloakroom was divinely thin. Her arms were absolutely gorgeously tiny. Mine seemed to spread out across the entire country compared to hers.

I want to cut bits of myself off.

I want my arms to be like this girls...

Wish me luck at this bloody party, I don't even want to drink tonight. Ergh.

xxx

Trust your instincts like you trust what's in the mirror

thought that quote was apt for today,

I am trusting my instincts on what I should eat in order to get back on track rather than following a strict set of calorie limits and I am trusting that what's in the mirror is repulsively enormous.

Doesn't mean I'm not still counting tho.

Today I've had a low cal vegetable curry at 340cals (although I actually didn't finish the rice) and a sugar free red bull which makes 347.5cals.

I actually feel pretty full and bloated right now as I've just eaten but if I purge I'll be hungrier later and then I'll eat more and nobody wants that.

I'm going clubbing tonight with my friend and loads of her friends that I don't know.

I'm not going to enjoy it and I know I'm not.

My limit is 4 drinks, I would say 4 vodkas but we're going to wetherspoons first and we're still drinking our way through the menu.

I've decided to give myself a casual week off weighing myself and just do it on Wednesday. Maybe there is still some hope of being 46 by Christmas?

I doubt it tho.

I've written a last week of term emergency sort your life out plan for myself, and on the first day of next term I am going to start ABC as I know I won't stay on track if I start it when I'm at home. I'm looking at the new term as a fresh start, work-wise as well.

I am however going to fucking behave myself as much as possible over the holidays, I plan to fast on the 23rd and then have 3 'days off' although really this means I am going to try and just eat when I'm hungry and not in excess of that on Christmas Eve, try to restrict for most of Christmas day but allow myself Christmas dinner and then the same thing again the next day at my friend's house and then fast again on the 27th.

I think actually just straight up fasting when I'm at home mostly might work better than just eating small amounts? Because once I'm in the kitchen that's the end of it. I'm going to have to learn some control before the holidays. Why is it so hard?

Anyway, that's enough ranting, time for a shower.

I own both those pairs of tights,

wish I looked that skinny in them.

xxx

Where is my motivation?

'Nuff said.

I just think that setting pre-planned restrictions isn't working for me atm, because as soon as I break them I just keep going. It was only today really but I think it will be much easier if I just eat as little as possible in no set pattern for a while, just while I get back on track, because it normally ends up being around 500cals anyway and I lose then!

Gig went well, I found my friends from home in the queue and it turned out that as one of them is at a really trendy art uni in central that this guy from her course is like really good friends with Patrick Wolf so that was quite exciting, we ended up hanging out with loads of his friends in the bar before hand trying to act cool enough to get into the aftershow, which obviously we failed at but we had a really good night anyway and at least I'm like, networking or something.

Will post properly tomorrow, and set a definite, final last chance date for when I have to stop being terrified and just weigh myself. I'll also catch up on your blogs then but I'm super tired now so love to you all.

Night xoxo