My blood beats black tonight

Right.

Today I am supposed to be going to a concert of my favourite artist, Patrick Wolf.

At first I thought the tickets hadn't come but it turned out I'd had them posted to my house instead of to here.

Silly. So I can go pick them up before hand.

But now the issue is that I have nobody to go with.

2 girls I know from home are going but I don't know them well enough really to tag along with them.

They're the sort of friends you'll chat to if you see them in the pub but not plan outings with.

I wish I had loyal enough friends to say, fuck it, I don't listen to Patrick Wolf but I'll come with you anyway.

What a waste of money on a second ticket.

As if I'm popular enough to make anyone come with me, altho I am trying to persuade my uni best friend.

Anyway, the quote of his I have tattooed on my arm is 'let no foot mark your ground, let no hand hold you down' so if I really have to I will go on my own and just get sensationally drunk.

I've wanted to see him so long. Fuck it.

Went to the co-op this morning. The cashier definitely thought I had a slightly suspicious obsession with soup. Paranoia told me that everyone I walked passed was laughing at me on the way there but then two random men complimented me on my hair on the way back so that's life really isn't it.

Why did I write that? Who cares?

Anyway, I stuck to my fast yesterday, no illicit trips to the kitchen to eat one rice cake and then throw it up, no 'one packet of crisps won't hurt' nonsense. 0 calories all day. Couldn't get to sleep til 5am tho, I was so bloody hungry.

Anyway, day 2 of liquid fast and I've had an asparagus cup-a-soup at 138cals and lots of diet coke.

There is a chance some more soup will happen when I get home before I go to the gig but hopefully I will be rushed enough that it won't.

Christ I'm tired.

Time for red bull.

Sugar free, obvz.

I'm going to have a good night. On my own. And I'm not going to be nervous or paranoid. I'm going to be cool. I'm going to be so cool that I don't care that I'm on my own. It's all about the music, man. It would be a bit more believable if I was thinner and not a whale person.

I looked at myself from the side in the mirror this morning in my pink bra and jeans and I thought, 'Oh, I look quite thin,' and then I saw my arms, and breathed out.

Look, I'm going to shut up and stop rambling about boring nonsense.

Wish me luck being a loner at a gig yeah?

love to all you crazy kids xoxo

Large but certainly not in charge.

Hello,

today I weigh 5,000 stone.

Here is a picture of me:

Spent two days at the flat my friend is looking after fraternising with the enemy, namely carbs.

Pasta, cheesecake, toast and peanut butter mainly.

Oh and chipsticks.

And party rings.

Oh dear.

I'm on a liquid fast with a 500cal ABSOLUTE MAXIMUM limit until Friday and I'm not weighing myself until then either.

Today I've eaten: nothing.

Which has 0 calories in it.

Which is nice.

I have been positively gluttonous this week and it is disgusting.

So disgusting.

Will Ana ever forgive me?

Will my scales ever forgive me?

Will I get to 46kg by Christmas?

It's all looking highly doubtful, but stay tuned to find out.

xoxo

Everybody is wearing a mask.

Thinspo post #4

The air is cold and damp.

Was so hungover today.

I had to go to M&S to get some food and I thought I was going to be sick on the bus.

I also wanted to punch everyone on it.

Buses make me senselessly angry.

Anyway it turned out I just felt sick because I was soso hungry, but there you go.

Last night me and my friend stayed in and got mashed drinking wine and vodka and absinthe and taking stupid pictures of ourselves on my webcam before eventually we fell asleep on the floor in the corridor of her flat.

I felt so munchy when I got in but I managed to exercise some control over myself thank god.

One of my best friends from home is visiting tonight and so we're planning on having a quiet one in the pub.

The snow has mostly melted and it didn't snow again today, so it's just sort of cold and damp outside now.

Today was another 700 day, so 500 minus my 200 punishment cals.

2 rice cakes w/low fat cream cheese 82cals

cheese and onion french fries 84cals

sugar free red bull 7.5cals

Mushroom risotto 340cals

513.5cals

which isn't bad and will only have a few drinks tonight.

Tomorrow is gonna be 200 now tho and I think that will be hard as I'm going to be staying at this flat my mate is looking after for the month.

I think I'll have to set reminders on my phone and things to keep me motivated not to eat.

that's all folks xoxo

Red light indicates doors are secure

Haven't actually got dressed today, let alone gone anywhere or done anything.

Yesterday I ended up eating another pitta bread and then going to the pub where my boyfriend and best friend work with my best friend's boyfriend and getting pissed. So much for only drinking on Wednesdays, Fridays and Saturdays. While I was there I had a packet of crisps.

My friend and her boyf were going back to the flat my friend is flat sitting in Baron's Court so I got the train back with them but halfway back I realised I'd left the bag with my laptop, my straighteners and my make-up (ie. my entire life) behind the bar so I had to call my boyf (who was still working) and go back and get it, and then I'd missed the last train so I had to pay for a cab, which was annoying but I had a really nice driver and we had a lovely chat on the way.

When I got in I had 2 rice cakes and another packet of crisps and then I saw sense and purged until I was just throwing up alcohol, which wasn't that pleasant.

Anwyay,

I'm back on track today, my limit for today would have been 700 but taking off the 200 punishment cals for my gluttony Yesterday and Wednesday made my limit 500 so I've had:

1 rice cake w/low fat cream cheese 41cals

and one with butter 70cals

cheese and onion french fries 84cals

3 quorn sausages 171cals

Smash 97cals

Gravy 15cals

478cals

Think I will stick to having 200 cals less than I should have done until Wednesday.

I've run out of like everything now tho so I'll have to go to the shop tomorrow.

cba, tho I should probs start on my xmas shopping as well so I can do that.

Dunno if I'm going out tonight or not, me and my friend are contemplating just staying in and drinking wine as the weather isn't very accommodating atm. It's not actually snowing anymore but it's still really snowy and it's meant to snow again tomorrow.

I still feel really angry with myself over the last two days but I can hopefully make up for it and at least stay the same for Wednesday's weigh in.

Touch wood.

Thnakyou everyone for the motivational comments yesterday, I needed it. WE CAN DO THIS!

love xoxo

A long night spent with your most obvious weakness.

I am living in fat city.

Being home is sososo dangerous for me cos I have no fucking control of myself whatsoever at all.

I got in and had dinner and then 2 peices of fudge, a spoonful of peanut butter (oh how I love you peanut butter), a mini aero and a fucking packet of crisps.

I purged some of it but it was hard to be thorough because my boyfriend was here.

We went out and I drank wine all night.

FML.

I just felt awful and awful with awful sauce.

Oh the evils of sauce.

I needed to cut or purge properly, or I don't know.

Do SOMETHING.

But I couldn't and I ended up just staring at my vast stomach in the mirror to the point that my boyfriend said that he was genuinely worried I was getting anorexic or something if I really thought I looked fat.

I laughed.

As if.

I have absolutely no will power whatsoever at all.

I'm just a will-less whale girl and I always will be.

Today I've eaten 2 ryvitas with peanut butter, a pitta bread and a glass of orange juice.

I am supposed to be fasting.

I need to get out of this house and get back to uni before I eat dinner.

It's SO snowy out tho I really don't want to go outside.

I need to do something to make up for this, so I am thinking of cutting down everyday's calories by 200 up until Wednesday?

It will be hard but I deserve it.

I can't just sit here and binge and binge and do nothing about this.

I'm so sure I will have gained this week now.

FML.

46.9kg

I'm relieved more than anything.

Relieved to find out that this is actually worth it, lying in bed for hours staring at the ceiling thinking about peanut butter sandwiches, dreaming about eating chocolate, doing endless sit-ups.

Ana has not lied to me.

It works.

only 0.9kg to go before I reach my Christmas goal.

And I have 3 weeks so I should be able to manage that easily (touch wood), unless I plateau again.

And this makes my BMI 18.8!

Nice to be below 19, happy days.

Today is a 500 cal day and so far I have eaten a cereal bar (91cals) and a packet of cheese and onion french fries (84cals) and for dinner I am going to eat some nice, pre-packaged, calorie counted pasta and veggies which will bring today's total up to a neat 490 calories.

And then me and the boyfriend are going to meet up with some of his old uni friends in some pub in Ealing. I've met them before and they're fairly pleasant, one of them went to the same high school as me, although rather a long time before I was there as my boyfriend is 24 and they're like 28 and 29, although they don't make me feel younger at all which is nice. Or maybe I'm just really mature (lol)

Also I have decided I can only drink on Wednesdays (that's a big night at my uni), Fridays and Saturdays until I go home for Christmas and my mum starts putting glasses of wine in front of me everyday. (Not gonna pretend I'm not looking forward to that). Might even let myself drink wine instead of boring boring vodka and diet boring coke tonight as I've lost weight. No that's the wrong attitude isn't it? One glass? hmmmmm...

Right well,

happyhappy

skinnyskinny

better make moves if I want to get home in time.

oh&&, it's stopped snowing and it's starting to melt where I am, theres just a few lumps of it left over hiding in gaps and corners, but it's meant to be snowy on and off for the rest of this week so it'll probably be making a comeback.

big thankyou to my 27 followers for being my 27 followers!
I do read all your blogs but I only comment when I can think of something worthwhile enough to say.

I'm sort of like, shyer on the internet than I am in the real life, which I know makes no sense, so I sometimes don't comment cos I feel silly.

Aha I'm strange.

But I do love you all lots. Have a happy Wednesday! xoxo