Caroline's a victim

Just to let you all know I've not died or anything.

I'm pretty sure I've gained about a kilo but I don't know for sure and I don't want to know for sure either.

I'm starting ABC tomorrow and I won't be weighing myself until I've been on it for a week.

Going back to uni tonight, nothing more to say really.

Will post properly tomorrow or something.

xxx

Fight off the lethargy

I'm enormous and useless and unmotivated and bloatedly bored.

I almost want to go back to uni because at least then I'll be miserable and isolated, rather than just... complacent, pointless, a rotting mound of worthless flesh.

I knew being home would do this to me, it just took it's time.

I was almost within my calorie limit today, but it doesn't stop me being enormous.

Went to the pub with my friend for a bit but then she went off to 'do music' at our other friend's house. I'm not invited because I'm a talentless lump.

I hate when I really think about the fact that I'm going absolutely nowhere.

so I'm going to keep drinking on my own, and hopefully by the time I finally drink myself to death I'll be thin enough for it to seem attractively tragic, rather than altogether repulsive, much like my entire existence.

Sorry I've not really been reading your blogs lately, when I am back at uni and fully within the grips of seasonal depression and the comforting confines of ABC I promise to read and comment on all of your blogs more regularly.

Wow that was cheerful.

I'm not posting any thinspo because thinking about thin people makes me want to cut my head off.

love you all

xxxxx

Circus sideshow freak grows bigger and bigger

Just briefly, I weighed 46.2kg this morning.

Which is entirely my own fault for having a duvet day with my boyfriend all yesterday and ORDERING PIZZA.

Fasting today.

Natch.

And lots and lots of dance mat.

On a more positive note, I finally got my iphone 4 today, been trying to for about 2 weeks but have had trouble with my bank setting up the contract.

He is called Julian and he is beautiful.

I will get back under 46kg soon, I promise.

thinspo:

&love xxx

Dance Dance

Nothing of interest to say about yesterday.

I stayed within my calorie limit, that's about it.

Today my new copy of Dancing Stage came in the post as I lost my old one so I pretty much spent my whole day on the dance mat in my underwear. Burnt 250cals according to workout mode, but it should actually be a bit more than that as I went on endless mode for a while without realising it doesn't count calories on that mode.

My limit for today was 200cals so I had a slim-a-soup at 60cals and some of those noodles I got yesterday at 94cals

So that's 154cals today

@Harley, I got the noodles from that bonkers Scandinavian shop 'Tiger'. Dunno if there's a branch of that near you or not. They're Danish but they don't really seem to have a brand name or anything. Oh and I love you, just for the record.

erm... that's about it really.

£1.25 a pint/shot of spirits night tonight at the local student pub so I better get dressed.

Oh and me and my friend got matching food diaries yesterday, as she's on ABC atm, helps keep me motivated somehow.

I was feeling horrible when I got in last night but I'm quite cheerful today so I won't bore you with that just now.

Thinspo:

lovelovelove xxxxx

I'm not asking for anything

Went round to E's house last night and watched The Curious Case of Benjamin Button and drank a bottle of wine.

It's a god awful film, it could have been brilliant and the concept was great but that ginge woman he's in love with is a such an irritating stuck up bitch that I just can't sympathise with them at all. She was good thinspo tho. Also the dialogue is dreadful and when he ends up being a toddler with dementia on the roof it becomes clear that the whole thing has just gone too far.

Anyway, halfway through the movie my mum called me up to tell me that surprise, surprise, dickhead married boyfriend has 'left his wife'. Again. She said she was going off to meet him in Travelodge (romantic) and then told me that although he has a secret phone which he uses to contact her, she had inexplicably tried to call his usual phone, which he had left at home, from the private landline which is just for my room.

So obviously his wife had seen the miss call and called the number back to find out where he was as he'd just run off, and so my mum kept hanging up on her and then unplugged my phone, and she told me that when I plug it back in if they phone again I have to put on a funny voice and pretend not to be me.

So I am now having to answer my phone in a Yorkshire accent.

Hello I'm from a normal, well adjusted family.

Not.

Anyway, today my self-imposed calorie limit is 400cals

(@Sofia - I've just completely made up some random calorie amounts for the next few days because I'm not starting ABC til I go back to uni or I'll fail at it)

I've eaten 2 scrambled egg whites which is 34cals so far today, and I'm going to Wetherspoons tonight with my friends so I'm going to eat there and they have these low cal noodles you can get which I think are like 325cals or something?

I'm not entirely sure but they def aren't enough to take me over 400.

Oooooh and also, I was shopping with my friend today and we found these packets of instant noodles with only 94cals per packet in one of those shops that just sells loads of completely unconnected rubbish with nice patterns on, like pegs and cards and pretend antlers. It was 3 for £1 and I'm deffo gonna stock up on loads before I go back to uni, they'll be amazing for 100 and 200 cal days on ABC.

Anyway,

that's enough ramble for today.

thinspo:

loveydovey doo dahs

xxx

Just because you're paranoid, don't mean they're not after you

Why am I so anxious all the time?

Nervous. Edgy. Worried.

Nobody likes me.

Paranoid.

I'm always either paranoid or drunk.

And quite often both.

I stayed up far too late last night and staying up late always makes me feel strange and meaningful in an uneasy kind of a way.

I ate two slices of cheese on toast at 2am and threw it back up into a plastic bag

I need to get a grip.

It's a new year.

So I'm going to start writing my book again.

And I've written calorie limits for every day until I go back to uni.

And I'm going to stick to them.

And if I go even 1 calorie over then I am fasting the next day.

Today was 500.

I've had 124, and I'm having 220 in a minute before going out.

So 344cals.

I've definately gained gained gained.

I can feel it.

Even though the only jeans that fit me any more are my tiny jeans that used to be my motivation and all the others are now too big I know I'm a jelly.

Whale girl.

Jelly Woman.

A superhero of massive proportions.

Enormogirl

I feel strange.

Oh Mickey you're so fine.

thinspo post #7