fail day

OK, so yesterday I was SO in control.

I stuck to around 600 calories, and felt so brilliant about it when I went to bed starving.

But today I decided I was going to eat the calorie loaded veggy toad in the hole that I knew was in the freezer.

I needed to eat it for 2 reasons,

1. to get it out the way so it didn't tempt me in my weaker moments

and

2. so my family didn't start asking me questions

(yesterday I had decided to have a tin of sweetcorn for dinner, upon realising we were out my mum started offering up various meal options available to me, said toad in the hole being one of them, eventually I pretended not to be 'that hungry' and got myself a ryvita and the thinnest EVER layer of reduced fat houmus when no one was in the kitchen)

It was fine. It was 501cals, so I thought if I had 2 rice cakes for brekky it would all be OK.

But the toad in the hole came after such a shaky, starving day, and shopping day, so I ended up swallowing a mini victoria sponge cake, at 105cals straight afterwards.

This would all be fine on a Wednesday.

Wednesdays are my best days for accidentally large dinners because not only do I not get up til 11 but my Mum usually goes out on Wednesday nights which means that we don't drink at home.

But it isn't a Wednesday, so this was followed by 5 glasses of wine, before I even went out,

and then a third of a bottle of vodka, which I split with friends, before my friend whose house we were at's Dad came in with take-away, from which I thought it was acceptable to pick at chips.

WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING?????

I feel so disgusted at myself I can't even describe it.

I'm so weak.

I feel full. I actually don't feel at all hungry.

If someone put a pizza in front of me, I wouldn't grab for it in desperation.

I can't explain how bad that feels.

I want to throw all of it up.

I even have a migraine so it would be easy.

But my mum's awake and her room is right next to the toilet.

I could puke into a plastic bag in my room, but what the fuck would I do with it???

This feels so horrible,

I'm not weighing myself til Sunday.

And I'm writing a plan til then.

Tomorrow I'll have 400 cals.

And Sunday I'll have 500.

Alcohol mildly excluded because I'm out tomorrow but I won't let it get out of hand.

I was 46.7 yday btw, but I'm sure I'm back above 47 today.

I'm putting up a full body shot of myself tomorrow as my profile pic or whatever it is on here, I took it today. I have some hideous ones which I'm not putting up but I'm putting a normalish one up to motivate myself. Cos if other people can see what I look like now, and are watching my progress, it puts more pressure on me.

ARRRGH

I've had such I crap week,

I need Mia so bad right no, she's like, my redemption.

But I can't. I can't wait to move out to uni. Then I can throw up or not eat for weeks on end and no one can say anything.

Not that it's that easy.

But if I love the feeling of hunger so much why can't I stay strong for it?

errrrgh.

Comments would be helpful at this stage 3 followers.

picture of some skinny cow that I'll never look anything like...

sorry this was a long one, needed to rant.

baiiii xxx