failing.

Yesterday went fine, but today being valentines day I've just been moping around feeling sorry for myself, and as a result, altho I haven't eaten any junk as such (Except a cupcake) I really have eaten rather a lot.

I'm now at 47.3kg, which is bloody rubbish.

I want to get down to 46 by the end of half term, and so tomorrow I am going to have 2 rice cakes for brekky and then a veggy lasagne for dinner, just before I go out.

I was planning to get speed for tomorrow night, which seems the perfect drug right about now, zero calories, lots of energy, which means dancing off calories, and it's also an appetite suppressant!

Sadly, dealers are inevitably difficult, so we haven't been able to get any in time. So I am going to end up drinking.

Grrrrr.

I'm going to try and stick to a few glasses of wine tho.

If I eat anything that I haven't planned for then I'm going to have to throw it up because I really can't go on like this and I'll have to do something.

But that isn't going to happen.

I'm going to try and stay awake as long as possible tonight so that I get up late tomorrow and have less time to mope around feeling hungry.

thinspo for the dayyyy....

byeeee x

fail day

OK, so yesterday I was SO in control.

I stuck to around 600 calories, and felt so brilliant about it when I went to bed starving.

But today I decided I was going to eat the calorie loaded veggy toad in the hole that I knew was in the freezer.

I needed to eat it for 2 reasons,

1. to get it out the way so it didn't tempt me in my weaker moments

and

2. so my family didn't start asking me questions

(yesterday I had decided to have a tin of sweetcorn for dinner, upon realising we were out my mum started offering up various meal options available to me, said toad in the hole being one of them, eventually I pretended not to be 'that hungry' and got myself a ryvita and the thinnest EVER layer of reduced fat houmus when no one was in the kitchen)

It was fine. It was 501cals, so I thought if I had 2 rice cakes for brekky it would all be OK.

But the toad in the hole came after such a shaky, starving day, and shopping day, so I ended up swallowing a mini victoria sponge cake, at 105cals straight afterwards.

This would all be fine on a Wednesday.

Wednesdays are my best days for accidentally large dinners because not only do I not get up til 11 but my Mum usually goes out on Wednesday nights which means that we don't drink at home.

But it isn't a Wednesday, so this was followed by 5 glasses of wine, before I even went out,

and then a third of a bottle of vodka, which I split with friends, before my friend whose house we were at's Dad came in with take-away, from which I thought it was acceptable to pick at chips.

WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING?????

I feel so disgusted at myself I can't even describe it.

I'm so weak.

I feel full. I actually don't feel at all hungry.

If someone put a pizza in front of me, I wouldn't grab for it in desperation.

I can't explain how bad that feels.

I want to throw all of it up.

I even have a migraine so it would be easy.

But my mum's awake and her room is right next to the toilet.

I could puke into a plastic bag in my room, but what the fuck would I do with it???

This feels so horrible,

I'm not weighing myself til Sunday.

And I'm writing a plan til then.

Tomorrow I'll have 400 cals.

And Sunday I'll have 500.

Alcohol mildly excluded because I'm out tomorrow but I won't let it get out of hand.

I was 46.7 yday btw, but I'm sure I'm back above 47 today.

I'm putting up a full body shot of myself tomorrow as my profile pic or whatever it is on here, I took it today. I have some hideous ones which I'm not putting up but I'm putting a normalish one up to motivate myself. Cos if other people can see what I look like now, and are watching my progress, it puts more pressure on me.

ARRRGH

I've had such I crap week,

I need Mia so bad right no, she's like, my redemption.

But I can't. I can't wait to move out to uni. Then I can throw up or not eat for weeks on end and no one can say anything.

Not that it's that easy.

But if I love the feeling of hunger so much why can't I stay strong for it?

errrrgh.

Comments would be helpful at this stage 3 followers.

picture of some skinny cow that I'll never look anything like...

sorry this was a long one, needed to rant.

baiiii xxx

the evils of noodles

So today I had my day all planned out,

I was going to have 1 rice cake for brekky, some sliced pepper and reduced fat houmus after my standard tuesday nap (usually from 1 til 4, lol) and then a stir fry at 6.

So I had my rice cake before college, and when I got in my Grandma told me there was a reporter coming round in an hour from the Daily Express.

Bit of explanation required here I guess haha, my Granddad used to be kinda famous in the 60s, and he is marrying for the 4th time. He did an interview about it in the paper and the same paper wanted an article on my Grandma (his 1st wife)'s reactions. And as I live with her and was in I decided to casually join in and have my picture in the paper. We totally slated his 4th fiance, who is 42 years younger than him, abusive and a total gold digger and is in no sense of the word good for him, whatever delusions he may be under. This has, inevitably, caused a HUGE family row.

But the point of this story was that it stopped me from being able to have a nap, and stopped my Grandma from going shopping when she planned.

So when I got in we were out of houmus, so I had 2 more rice cakes.

And when she did go shopping I had pepper and houmus, and some olives.

And then I had the hugest stir fry

And then I had a creme egg.

And when I weighed myself I was 47.4kg

So I threw it all up in the sink whilst I was running a bath, attractively.

And after that I was 47kg.

I mean how fucking hard is it? My stomach is not my ruler.

It really can't be that hard to control your own actions.

Tomorrow I'm having 2 rice cakes and a weight watchers cheese cake.

And nothing else.

Not even an olive.

Or a grape.

Or a nut.

Or a fucking malteser.

It's really not that difficult.

It can't possibly be.

I was so strong in the first few weeks.

Oh and, if anyone sees the article or works out who I'm related to, please don't be all 'ooh I follow her blog.'

Cos if it got out in public/ my fam found out by some totally crazy freak incident, it really wouldn't be great for me.

Hope everyone else has had a better food day

THINSPO:

decided on something a bit more wintery for today, as I've been doing so rubbishly and it's freezing out.

:(

bye xxx

back in control

today has gone well, it was a 6 meals between 50 and 100 cals day and this is what I ate

8am- rice cake with low fat cream cheese - 67cals (I finally bothered to work it out exactly)

10am - Special K bliss orange and chocolate bar - 90cals

12pm - Ready salted Pom Bears - 97cals

2pm - Weight Watchers chocolate and caramel wafer - 78cals

&& a bottle of diet coke - 2cals

4pm - Weight watchers chocolate biscuit bar thing - 87cals

6pm - rice cake and cream cheese - 67cals

so that's 488 for the day.

It feels good to be back in control and I think weekdays where I have college are good for my eating cos the structure of my day works well with my eating times and also provides distractions. I've got to be careful not to lose the plot with my eating this weekend tho.

I also need to get used to smaller daily calorie intakes, because I do plan to do ABC in a month or so and I need to build myself up to it. I think with that tho it will be helpful to do some of it in the Holidays as I'm awake for less time then so I have less time to eat things!

I don't even think I'm going to drink anything today so hopefully when I get on the scales later on I will have undone some of the weekend's damage.

I may have a green tea before bed, because hot drinks fill me up a little bit and it's been taking me forever to get to sleep recently because I'm so hungry.

Oh and my drama teacher said to me today, 'you're so skinny Zara!' which was rather exciting. It was mostly cos my size 10 (US size 8) jeans are hanging off me, but to be fair I should be a size 8 anyway considering how short I am. Although I'm fitting in to most of my size 8 clothes again now.

Right, thinspo for the day and then I'm off ...

oh and I forgot to mention, 3 followers! Thanks guys.

bye xxx

Well

I certainly do 'feel too bad' about the bloody pizza now.

What a frigging idiot I was to think I could get away with that, especially considering the fucking huge amounts of dip I had.

I was 47.9kg today. That's a 0.6 gain. In one day. Because of a stupid pizza. Because I'm really that weak that I can't say no to some disgusting dominos pizza. That's the last time I make that mistake.

today I've had...

2 rice cakes with light cream cheese - 140cals

packet of salt and vinegar pom bears - 94cals

weight watchers pizza - 407cals

3 peanuts - 18cals

a small slice of blue cheese - 100cals

so that's 759cals today.

Fucking loads.

This has to stop, I'm getting really lax.

I go to the kitchen and think it's OK just to pick at stuff.

Well it isn't.

I'm watching the Devil Wears Prada atm and Nigel just said, 'not since 2 became the new 4 and zero became the new 2'

And I'm a 6 in American sizes. Just. I think it's a sign really.

Tomorrow is a new day. And a 6 meal day. And I'm going to get below 47kg by the weekend.

This picture has nothing to do with summer or beaches or swimwear but it's one of my faves so this is today's thinspo...

in case anybody cares

In the end I had 2 and a half slices.

Which is better than having a whole medium pizza which is what I would have normally done.

I also had 3 rice cakes, about 4 mouthfuls of rice and a bit of poppadom today, so am probably well over 800 cals, but at least it was vaguely controlled.

I was 47.3kg when I weighed myself before all this nonsense also, which I decided allowed me a small amount of pizza.

Stunningly, I really don't feel that bad about it.

Also, we watched 'The History Boys' which is an outrageously good film that I recommend to everybody.

AU REVOIR x

dilemma

Long time no blog, but I have 2 whole followers, crazy stuff.

Right well, I'm having a dilemma.

I've been invited to go to my mates house for a movie night tonight and she's ordering pizza.

Last time I weighed myself I was 47.6kg, but I feel like I've put on weight since then, I told her I might not have pizza, which no ones going to question because dominos is undoubtedly super unhealthy. But dominos is my weakness and I really want to have just half a medium or something and not eat for the rest of the day. But I know I'll feel just awful about it if I do.

help?

Anyway, I'm gonna go grab something teeny for breakfast.

I might weigh myself and decide based on that?

Have some thinspo:

lovelove xxx