I'm zizzy

yesterday went well.

was 300cals && I had

-rice cake && low fat cream cheese = 67cals

-special K bar = 88cals

-KOKA instant noodles = 143cals

total - 298cals

today is meant to be 400cals but I've already had a wrap that was 415.

Also I'm going to a club tonight and I'm sure drunken hunger will happen.

Still, I'll do my best.

I weighed in at 46kg exactly this morning, and also I have made the discovery that I am too thin to give blood, which made me kinda happy.

my BMI atm is 18.4 if anybody wondered.

Which they didn't.

Right, time for a nap before I start getting ready. x

I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo.

Caved and weighed myself, and I'm 46.5kg!!

No idea how I've managed that but I'm certainly not complaining.

I've already fucked up today by eating like half a bag of maltesers but I'm just gonna pretend it hasn't happened and keep going.

That weigh in has totally motivated me.

xx

ABC day 1

Kkkkkkk,

so today I ate...

2 rice cakes && superlight cream cheese- 134cals

Weight watchers caramel wafer thingy - 78cals

Tin of sweetcorn - 103cals

Veggy sausage roll - 198cals

TOTAL - 513

I had a few cans of Pepsi max today as well as water which are like 2 cals each and I spose in theory I totally failed my first day but I don'tfeel too appalling about it as I've probably been eating like 1500 a day recently, which is just disgusting, so even if I'm not perfect I feel stronger just being back on track and having proper restricitons set out.

500 again, tomorrow, I'm going to make a bit more of an effort to properly stick to it, but I have no college tomorrow, so that should be easy enough,

I'm not weighing myself until Thursday night

Byeeee xxx

long time no post

Basically, I've gone off the rails a bit since my last post.

My love life started going well and that's never helpful.

Anyway, I've been fluctuating between 47 and 48kgs (ew) and I can't go on like this or I'll end up not fitting into ANY of my jeans and looking a total lardy mess again in absolutely no time.

So, I'm starting ABC tomorrow if it kills me which it probably will, and on Sunday I'm getting my tongue peirced even tho I can barely afford it just so that I won't be able to eat properly for a few days.

Will keep yew updated on my ABC

x

failing.

Yesterday went fine, but today being valentines day I've just been moping around feeling sorry for myself, and as a result, altho I haven't eaten any junk as such (Except a cupcake) I really have eaten rather a lot.

I'm now at 47.3kg, which is bloody rubbish.

I want to get down to 46 by the end of half term, and so tomorrow I am going to have 2 rice cakes for brekky and then a veggy lasagne for dinner, just before I go out.

I was planning to get speed for tomorrow night, which seems the perfect drug right about now, zero calories, lots of energy, which means dancing off calories, and it's also an appetite suppressant!

Sadly, dealers are inevitably difficult, so we haven't been able to get any in time. So I am going to end up drinking.

Grrrrr.

I'm going to try and stick to a few glasses of wine tho.

If I eat anything that I haven't planned for then I'm going to have to throw it up because I really can't go on like this and I'll have to do something.

But that isn't going to happen.

I'm going to try and stay awake as long as possible tonight so that I get up late tomorrow and have less time to mope around feeling hungry.

thinspo for the dayyyy....

byeeee x

fail day

OK, so yesterday I was SO in control.

I stuck to around 600 calories, and felt so brilliant about it when I went to bed starving.

But today I decided I was going to eat the calorie loaded veggy toad in the hole that I knew was in the freezer.

I needed to eat it for 2 reasons,

1. to get it out the way so it didn't tempt me in my weaker moments

and

2. so my family didn't start asking me questions

(yesterday I had decided to have a tin of sweetcorn for dinner, upon realising we were out my mum started offering up various meal options available to me, said toad in the hole being one of them, eventually I pretended not to be 'that hungry' and got myself a ryvita and the thinnest EVER layer of reduced fat houmus when no one was in the kitchen)

It was fine. It was 501cals, so I thought if I had 2 rice cakes for brekky it would all be OK.

But the toad in the hole came after such a shaky, starving day, and shopping day, so I ended up swallowing a mini victoria sponge cake, at 105cals straight afterwards.

This would all be fine on a Wednesday.

Wednesdays are my best days for accidentally large dinners because not only do I not get up til 11 but my Mum usually goes out on Wednesday nights which means that we don't drink at home.

But it isn't a Wednesday, so this was followed by 5 glasses of wine, before I even went out,

and then a third of a bottle of vodka, which I split with friends, before my friend whose house we were at's Dad came in with take-away, from which I thought it was acceptable to pick at chips.

WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING?????

I feel so disgusted at myself I can't even describe it.

I'm so weak.

I feel full. I actually don't feel at all hungry.

If someone put a pizza in front of me, I wouldn't grab for it in desperation.

I can't explain how bad that feels.

I want to throw all of it up.

I even have a migraine so it would be easy.

But my mum's awake and her room is right next to the toilet.

I could puke into a plastic bag in my room, but what the fuck would I do with it???

This feels so horrible,

I'm not weighing myself til Sunday.

And I'm writing a plan til then.

Tomorrow I'll have 400 cals.

And Sunday I'll have 500.

Alcohol mildly excluded because I'm out tomorrow but I won't let it get out of hand.

I was 46.7 yday btw, but I'm sure I'm back above 47 today.

I'm putting up a full body shot of myself tomorrow as my profile pic or whatever it is on here, I took it today. I have some hideous ones which I'm not putting up but I'm putting a normalish one up to motivate myself. Cos if other people can see what I look like now, and are watching my progress, it puts more pressure on me.

ARRRGH

I've had such I crap week,

I need Mia so bad right no, she's like, my redemption.

But I can't. I can't wait to move out to uni. Then I can throw up or not eat for weeks on end and no one can say anything.

Not that it's that easy.

But if I love the feeling of hunger so much why can't I stay strong for it?

errrrgh.

Comments would be helpful at this stage 3 followers.

picture of some skinny cow that I'll never look anything like...

sorry this was a long one, needed to rant.

baiiii xxx

the evils of noodles

So today I had my day all planned out,

I was going to have 1 rice cake for brekky, some sliced pepper and reduced fat houmus after my standard tuesday nap (usually from 1 til 4, lol) and then a stir fry at 6.

So I had my rice cake before college, and when I got in my Grandma told me there was a reporter coming round in an hour from the Daily Express.

Bit of explanation required here I guess haha, my Granddad used to be kinda famous in the 60s, and he is marrying for the 4th time. He did an interview about it in the paper and the same paper wanted an article on my Grandma (his 1st wife)'s reactions. And as I live with her and was in I decided to casually join in and have my picture in the paper. We totally slated his 4th fiance, who is 42 years younger than him, abusive and a total gold digger and is in no sense of the word good for him, whatever delusions he may be under. This has, inevitably, caused a HUGE family row.

But the point of this story was that it stopped me from being able to have a nap, and stopped my Grandma from going shopping when she planned.

So when I got in we were out of houmus, so I had 2 more rice cakes.

And when she did go shopping I had pepper and houmus, and some olives.

And then I had the hugest stir fry

And then I had a creme egg.

And when I weighed myself I was 47.4kg

So I threw it all up in the sink whilst I was running a bath, attractively.

And after that I was 47kg.

I mean how fucking hard is it? My stomach is not my ruler.

It really can't be that hard to control your own actions.

Tomorrow I'm having 2 rice cakes and a weight watchers cheese cake.

And nothing else.

Not even an olive.

Or a grape.

Or a nut.

Or a fucking malteser.

It's really not that difficult.

It can't possibly be.

I was so strong in the first few weeks.

Oh and, if anyone sees the article or works out who I'm related to, please don't be all 'ooh I follow her blog.'

Cos if it got out in public/ my fam found out by some totally crazy freak incident, it really wouldn't be great for me.

Hope everyone else has had a better food day

THINSPO:

decided on something a bit more wintery for today, as I've been doing so rubbishly and it's freezing out.

:(

bye xxx