I can't eat anything without shoving my hands down my throat

Title says it all here really doesn't it?

HELLO.

Yesterday we received a package of treats from family friends who make and sell chocolate.

Inside was a bag of orange creams for me as they know they are my favourite. I had 3 before we went out for dinner. At dinner I didn't have a starter or a dessert and just had a goats cheese salad like I said, but I did have 3 slices of bread from the bread basket. Because of the bread and the chocolates I felt huge and ended up throwing most of my dinner in the restaurant toilets and the rest when I got in, and then doing 200 crunches whilst watching super old episodes of Malcolm in the Middle on Sky 1.

Today I had 2 rice cakes before going shopping with my mum, we got coffee while we were out so I had a skinny creme brulee latte and then I had some veggies and pasta when I got in, but I also had two more of the chocolates and so I have somehow ended up throwing up my dinner into a plastic bag.

If I'm not 46kg by Thursday I'm going to go out into the street and punch some children.

I'm off to the pub with my friends who I'm convinced don't like me anymore.

I wish so much that my boyfriend was here.

I just feel as though no matter what I do I'm never going to lose any more weight.

Why on earth is it so hard to starve yourself to death?

You float like a feather in a beautiful world

So I went to my friend's house last night, she is the friend who is known for being super skinny and spent 2 years 'trying desperately' as she put it to gain 9lbs. Anyway we got talking about weight and stuff because she's started losing again and doesn't like it (insane with jealousy anyone?) and also just because I can't seem to think about anything else anymore and I WEIGH LESS THAN HER. She is 46.7kg atm, and I am 46.2kg. I think this must be the first time in the history of the world I've ever weighed less than her, as even when I was at my lowest weight of 46kg she must have been about 44. Her bmi is still lower than mine though as she is an inch taller, I WILL BE THINNER THAN HER.

Also, another of my best mates who has always been a twig has an even more twig like sister who eats like a horse and apparently she started crying at the doctor's today because she was told she was extremely underweight and seriously needed to gain. I would die for that.

I am going to be thinner than all of them. I am going to be thinner than anybody ever. I am going to be shockingly thin. I am going to be sharp and angular.

Yum. That's a much tastier thought than food.

Today so far I have had a skinny creme brulee latte at costa with the girls and this evening I am taking my mum out for dinner as it's her 50th birthday and we're going to cafe rouge where I will have a goats cheese salad which according to google is 534cals and that will be that for today.

Stay skinny darlings xxx

I can't breathe without you

Just a brief one before I trek through the snow to my friend's house.

I was 46.2kg this morning!

Which means my bmi is 18.5.

Supposedly I am almost underweight.

I'm still fat though.

It's strange.

You can't see my spine or my hip bones and you can only just see my ribs. Must try harder.

My collarbones are good though, I took a picture of them a week or so ago:

Also my waist is 25.5 inches.

It doesn't look it at all.

My stomach is enormous.

It all seems bizarre to me.

My boyfriend came over today so we could exchange presents and things before he goes home to Cheshire for ten days.

I wish I could go with him but I have to stay with my family at Christmas, I'm going to miss him absolutely tonnes.

Today I have eaten:

2 rice cakes w/low fat cream cheese 124cals

Some random instant noodles that I found in my house 360cals

484cals

And now I'm off out to guzzle wine and talk nonsense with one of my bestest friends because it is Christmas after all.

I feel very very strong and very motivated and incredibly certain I will reach my goal weight, because although I might fluctuate sometimes, and although I will probably gain again from eating Christmas dinner, I refuse to give up because food is not going to beat me.

I am going to achieve something, and I'm not entirely sure I'm good at anything else except not eating, which I am becoming rather brilliant at.

love to you all xxx

Small Jean Genie

thinspo post #6

Love like winter

Last night was actually not too bad in the end. The glam rock band were all silly old men in PVC flares which unfortunately gave them what can only be described as male camel-toes and I was relentlessly pursued by a hairy man named Ivan but we had a laugh. It was in Chingford and so me and my mum stayed at her friend's flat and drove home through the snow this morning. At first it was quite pretty seeing all the boarded up houses down the north circular in the snow although I felt sick, I love a bit of crumbling suburbia, but after a while the snow got really heavy and as we got nearer to home none of the roads had been gritted and we got stuck in Kenton for about an hour and I ended up having to push the car up the hill on Kenton High Street still in my pyjamas with last night's heels on with a load of random men helping. People were abandoning their cars and there were stuck buses and it's a miracle we ever got home at all really.

It's supposed to be the Christmas do at my friend's pub tonight, but getting there involves going through the same places which I never thought we'd get out of this morning, and I don't think we'll manage it although all of my friend's seem to think we will. Also even if we do I've nothing to wear. I'm not sure because I'm so exhausted and hungover. My boyfriend came round for a few hours and I would so much rather just spend the evening in bed with him but he's had to go to work. He's going home to his parents in the North for Christmas and I'm going to miss him so much :(

Today I've eaten:

1 plain ryvita 32cals

Pasta bake 375cals

2 brazil nuts 46cals

453cals

which wasn't as such under 400 like I had hoped but you get the idea.

Anyway I'm so tired that I'm going to go to bed for a bit and then possibly get up and go out but probably not.

lovely. xxx

Desire you are not the maker of me

I've been feeling so strong and motivated the past few days it's been wonderful.

My total intake yesterday was 281cals plus two single vodka and diet cokes at my friend's gig.

She played beautifully although it wasn't a very eventful evening.

Today I got up at 8 so that my mum could dye my hair for me before she went out, after that I wanted to dig out my old dance mat as I remembered it had a work out mode but I couldn't find the bloody disc anywhere so I ended up spending my day hunting for it, reading 'going hungry', wrapping presents and watching Jeremy Kyle interspersed with sets of 25 crunches.

It's snowing again too, which might be nice if I didn't have to go out. I'm going to some over 30s glam rock night for my mum's birthday, god help me. The organiser is letting me in specially as it's for a birthday. I'm so thrilled ¬_¬

I feel so exhausted and head achey I just cba with the whole fiasco.

Today's intake was a bit on the high side as I didn't realise quite how many calories are in brazil nuts:

cucumber and houmus 83cals

baked potato 278cals

w/ half pot low fat cottage cheese 105cals

5 brazil nuts 116cals

582cals

but the main thing I suppose is that I am in CONTROL and I've not binged at all since I've been home or picked at anything in the kitchen that I ought not to have done and I feel wonderful about that. I plan to stay under 400cals tomorrow and to be positively virtuous up until Christmas. I'm doubting I'll really eat much on Christmas Eve now, but I shall still be fasting on the 23rd. I'm planning on baking shortbread on Christmas Eve from a recipe with 168cals per biscuit so I will probably have a few of those and not much else.

Anyway, I best chuck something on and sort my face out for tonight.

I love how tiny that girl's legs look.

And I love all of you.

xxx

The champagne makes it taste so much better

Sorry I've not posted in a little while, only like a day actually, but that seems a long time for me.

OK so on Tuesday night I went for pizza with my mum as it has become our sort of tradition for when she gives me lifts to and from uni.

Both of us have lost lots of weight recently and as a result have smaller appetites so we didn't get a starter and as we couldn't decide what pizza to have we shared 2 which made it much easier for me to make it look like I had eaten more than I had, I probably had about 4 slices total.

Aside from that I only had 3 rice cakes that day, and that morning I weighed 47kg.

After pizza we picked up my boyfriend who stayed over at my house.

Yesterday I had 2 rice cakes which have higher calories at home as my family buy different brands to me, so 124cals and then me and my boyfriend went up to Winter Wonderland in Hyde Park, I came on my period that morning and I get dreadful period pains so despite my skinny as anything boyfriend offering to buy me belgian waffles and donuts and all sorts I declined with the excuse my period pains were making me feel sick, which was partly true, while he happily munched away, we had a baileys each though and then we spent an hour ice-skating, which I imagine burnt some calories somewhere, went on a few rides and then went on the huge observation wheel where we had booked a private capsule with champagne. It was so beautiful and romantic and we got quite drunk as well (:

I talked to him about some difficult stuff from my past that I don't really talk about as well and I'm glad I did, when we got back to mine he was hungry so I cooked him egg and beans on toast but I said I still felt sick and didn't have anything and went to bed.

So far this morning I have had 2 rice cakes (I just live on them really) and I am planning on having a packet of french fries and a cup-a-soup for the rest of the day which will equate to around 350cals before going out to my friend's gig in Soho where I will stick to a few vodka and diet cokes.

Fat Bastard's accusations of me being a 'fat girl' at heart have rather motivated me to prove otherwise. I really rather resent that. And it's also a pretty ignorant statement to make that 'real' anorexics are effortlessly thin. If it was effortless it wouldn't be anorexia.

But I'm done with him now because he just makes me cross and acknowledging him is only going to encourage him further.

OK, ramble over.

Love to everyone who is still here and to everyone who isn't.

xoxo